Transformers Movie Review: Optimus Prime was Robbed!

“Stay away, lad! That’s Prime’s fight!”
– Kup, in the original 1986 Transformers animated movie.

I just watched Michael Bay’s Transformers movie at the Gateway Globe Platinum Theater. Believe it or not, it’s even more of an abomination than everyone expected it to be — from jumpy editing to fake graphics to gibberish computerspeak to racial slurs to redneck propaganda to pop culture pandering to hideous character designs to Matrix-wannabe bullet-time to badly-acted overexposed humans.

Humans get more screen time in this movie than they do in the entire original series — and their acting consists mostly of making hero faces and sexy poses for gratuitous closeups. The titular Transformers are reduced to either bothersome pets or public safety hazards, put down by humans whenever convenient. Bumblebee actually whines like a puppy at one point. Optimus Prime and Megatron each kick a Cybertronian’s ass without human assistance just once, as if just to please the fans and get them out of the way. Even brilliant voice performances from Peter Cullen and Hugo Weaving could barely shine through Michael Bay’s condescension towards their characters.

Cybertronians had it so bad in this movie, I actually cheered when Starscream acrobatically took out Air Force jets in midair. You know you’re watching a bad Transformers adaptation when a weasel like Starscream kicks the most ass.

In the ultimate insult to all Cybetronians throughout the histories of all Transformers universes, Sam Witwicky kills Megatron. Yes, you read that right — the chief antagonist is offed by an alien third party. Optimus Prime was robbed of his right to defeat Megatron. This movie could’ve ended in an epic battle between Prime’s racial tolerance and Megs’ survivalist expansionism. Instead, it ended with the Disneyish intervention of some plucky pure-hearted kid. At least in the original 1986 Transformers animated movie, that kid was a fellow Autobot who would eventually redeem himself and succeed Prime. This time, that kid was some fleshy alien interloper.

Apparently, two factions of an ancient race can’t decide their people’s fate. You need a good ol’ American boy for that.

I guess beloved characters developed and explored over twenty-three years across fourteen series produced on two continents aren’t good enough for Michael Bay. He’s too incompetent a filmmaker to use such rich characters as anything more than overly complicated CGI setpieces. This movie shouldn’t be called Transformers; it should be called Ugly Robot Pet Owners Versus Ugly Robot Terrorist Moles.